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Click the Colex icon for brief
summaries of nearly every game released for the
ColecoVision game system, along with performance
ratings for every third party
developer. |
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FROGGER II:
THREEDEEP! |
 
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PARKER
BROS. |
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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If it looks like a 2600 game, sounds
like a 2600 game, and smells like a 2600 game, chances
are it's... this. Frogger II: Threedeep! plays well
enough, but audiovisually, it's a giant step back from
the first game, with blocky, monocolored sprites, a tiny
title character, and this incredibly crude and annoying
siren which blares when you're almost out of time. And
come to think of it, forget what I said about it playing
well, too. The control's OK, but the CPU often puts you
in terribly frustrating no-win situations which force
you to decide between leaping into the briney deep (in
which case you'd be whisked back to the first rou nd of
the game with less time and therefore be at a greater
risk of having to endure the above mentioned siren) or
the gaping jaws of one of the game's many unsavory
critters. Frogger II does have its strong points...
there are three rounds of play (including a totally cool
sky scene in which Frogger must leapfrog [!] pelicans
and a pterodactyl on his way to Cloud 9 [or 8 in the
later levels...]) and a cute 1UP in the form of a baby
frog (obviously the result of those encounters with that
pink toad in the first game... nice going, Frogger! :)
which you can snatch from a friendly stork as it flies
past. Despite all this, however, Parker Bros. could have
done better. They had a perfectly good opportunity to
make this a worthy sequal to the immensely popular Sega
arcade game, but the presentation just isn't there. If
you're desperate for the unique gameplay of Frogger, but
need the variety and expanded play mechanics that the
original just can't offer you, Threedeep might hold you
until there's a grey market bootleg of the prototype
Game Gear version of Frogger.
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MATT
PATROL |
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SELMA...? |
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SIDE-SCROLLING
SHOOTER |
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COLECOVISION |
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"I've been waiting a long, long
time for a ColecoVision version of Moon Patrol. I can't
wait to pop this puppy into my system and... What? Matt
Patrol? By Selma? Who's that? And Billiams? Irata!? Oh
my gourd, with parodied names like this, it must be..."
FLYING BRASSIERS!!!
And that it is! As you may or may not
know, FB is the Midnight Special edition of AtariSoft's
Moon Patrol that was altered slightly and passed around
the Atari labs as a geeky programmer's joke. It's really
no different from the original aside from the altered
title screen and enemies- the latter range from Mayan
temples to UFOs (Underwear Floating Overhead)- but hey,
I don't own the prototype that Atari intended to
release, so I've gotta review this version.
Well, where do I begin? I was
understandably worried that the ColecoVision couldn't
handle a game like Moon Patrol, since its play mechanics
revolve so heavily around scrolling and this has never
been the system's strong point (Time Pilot, Spy
Hunter... need I go on?). Oddly enough, this isn't a
problem in Matt Patrol- not only do the backgrounds
scroll smoothly, but they move in layers just as they
did in the 5200 and arcade versions. They lack the
definition and variety of the artwork in those games,
but they're still not bad by CV standards. The sound is
passable... all the music from the Irem coin-op was left
intact (although the orchestration is a little bland in
comparison to the funkier 5200 tunes), and most of the
unique sound effects make an appearance as well.
In respects to gameplay, well, Matt
Patrol is just as frustrating as you remember it (or
Moon Patrol, rather)... there are a lot of tricky jumps
to be navigated, and the bras are as deadly as they are
goofy, since they rain down bullets which can not only
make moon dust out of your buggy but blast inconvenient
holes in the oncoming terrain as well. There are some
play elements missing (like those really cool volcanos
nestled in some craters near the end of the beginner's
course), and others have been altered (George Jetson is
now behind the wheel of the vehicle which sneaks up
behind you in the championship course), but aside from
those small details and the hostile lingerie fans of
Moon Patrol should be satisfied with this slightly askew
version of the game.
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PEPPER
II |
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COLECO |
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ACTION/MAZE |
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COLECOVISION |
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If you loved Konami's Amidar but
couldn't stomach Parker Bros.' weak 2600 translation,
this is your game. Actually, as similar as it is to
Amidar, Pepper II is an arcade translation in itself,
based on an elusive Exidy coin-op. In it, you're a
dumpy-looking angel who must zip up territory while
avoiding evil eyes and the especially dangerous Zipper
Ripper, a deadly green head who's faster than your other
foes and can unzip partially secured areas. Luckily,
there are objects which can help defend you... simply
zip around a box with a pitchfork inside it and you
become a hungry little demon which can wipe out eyes for
bonus points. Do likewise to a small green diamond and
you're similarly rewarded, although it also acts as a
Zipper Ripper repellant which forces your greatest foe
off the screen for a brief period of time. If things get
too hot to handle in one quadrant of the maze, you can
(and must, once you finish a quadrant) skip to another
by taking the exits situated at the four edges of the
screen. Finish all four quadrants and you're given a
super bonus as well as a new, more difficult maze.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
If you're into fast, intense action,
you're going to go nuts for Pepper II. A lot of
ColecoVision games start out slowly and pick up as you
complete rounds... Pepper II burns rubber right from the
beginning and doesn't let up until you lose your last
life. Because of this, I strongly recommend that you
play the game with a Sega Arcade Pad. It may be a little
too responsive for this particular game, but it's
much preferred to struggling with the standard
ColecoVision joyknob. As far as graphics go, the sprites
are all very small, and some of the fill patterns for
areas are a bit noxious, but the layout of the maze is
fairly attractive, and the zippers around the boxes
really do look like zippers. The music and sound effects
are more than passable, though. There's a really neat
rendition of the Alfred Hitchcock theme at the beginning
of each game, and there are plenty of weird noises which
make the gameplay even more intense.
If you're a fan of Pac-Man, Amidar, or
even Qix, you'll find a lot to like about Pepper II. Its
graphics won't blow you away, as they don't compare
favorably to the artwork in Konami's two ColecoVision
games and aren't even as sharp as the Exidy original's,
but once you start playing it, great graphics will be
the least of your concerns.
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GUST
BUSTER |
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SUNRISE
SOFTWARE |
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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Eek. There's only one game that comes
close to competing with The Yolk's On You for the
uncoveted title of Worst ColecoVision Cartridge Ever,
and that would be this miserably conceived piece of doo.
From the pictures, you'd be led to believe that Gust
Buster is an exciting precursor to the GameBoy sleeper
Balloon Kid, but don't be fooled... you have no direct
control over Gust Buster's title character (but you
can pump up the balloons he holds! Whee!), and
the gameplay is unforgivably limited, not that it
matters because you'll never be able to deliver balloons
to more than two crowds anyways thanks to the alleged
control. The sound effects are practically nonexistant,
and there's no attempt whatsoever by the designer to
veil Gust Buster's many crippling flaws with inspired or
even tolerable graphics. So there you have it. Gust
Buster qualifies unequivocally for The Gameroom Blitz's
Beyond Redemption Award, and as such should be avoided
like, uh, a really bad ColecoVision game (thought I was
gonna use a cliche' there, didn't you? Guess I'm just
full of surprises...).
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VIDEO
HUSTLER |
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KONAMI |
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BILLIARDS |
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COLECOVISION |
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As perverted as the title may seem, this
is just your basic pre-crash billiards sim with nine
missing balls. Despite this and the lack of nude
centerfolds congratulating you after every third round,
Video Hustler is a darned good game for a prototype. It
plays fairly well (although I'm not particularly fond of
the method in which the player must align shots. A line
coming from the ball itself would have made a great deal
more sense than the dot that rotates around the edge of
the pool table), and the scoring mechanics are really
cool... you get 100 points multiplied by the number on
the face of the ball you sink, times a multiplier which
doubles as you make shots in succession. While this may
be a turn-off to pool purists, it's far more consistant
with video game scoring than giving each player a single
point for each successful shot. Video Hustler doesn't
squeeze every last drop of power out of the ColecoVision
as Konami's other two games had- the balls never rotate
(which is especially weird since they're numbered on the
front), and the playfield is pretty dull, but taken as
it is (an unfinished billiards game with some rough
edges), Video Hustler is a competant effort that's
easily more fun than, say, Imagic's Trick Shot. Still,
if you're fond enough of the real thing to actually buy
a pool simulation, you're better off with something more
advanced, like Data East's Side Pocket for the NES or
Genesis.
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SPY
HUNTER |
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COLECO |
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OVERHEAD
SHOOTER |
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COLECOVISION |
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Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. This
isn't just a game, it's an event. It's actually
better than the Bally/Midway coin-op which
spawned it! I mean, sure, the graphics aren't quite as
polished (although they're very, very good by
ColecoVision standards), but have you tried
playing Spy Hunter with a steering wheel? It's pure
hell. Playing an overhead shooter with the steering
column supplied with most Spy Hunter cabinets makes as
much sense as going for a spin in a Ferrari with a
Playstation controller. And the difficulty... ugh. No
thanks. I'd just assume whittle away the wee hours of
the night at home with a Super Controller clutched
tightly in both hands and my eyes glued to the screen
while making a menace of myself in the midst of the
oncoming and extremely dangerous traffic. Oh, sure, I
could do the same thing on my NES, but why bother? The
graphics are no better and (like the arcade version)
it's just no fun at all. Same goes for the PC version
that's been floating around the Internet. To be fair, it
IS really old, but so is the ColecoVision version, and
I'd much rather be playing the game in 16 colors than
four.
As good as it is, however, even Coleco's
translation of Spy Hunter has its faults. First, you
can't play it with a Sega Arcade Pad, which is
understandable since only one of its buttons can be read
by the ColecoVision and you've got to have four to play
it. Secondly, the game is still frustrating, though not
nearly as much so as the coin-op. You're almost
guaranteed to lose a life when you go for a whirl in the
rivers placed strategically along the course, since the
rival boats place depth charges with deadly precision,
and head-on collisions seem to have random and
completely unreliable effects (the first may kill you
while another could prove completely harmless). And
finally, the helicoptor is nearly impossible to destroy,
as it almost always manages to lock itself into a
position where your missiles fly harmlessly over it
(this is especially annoying since it in turn can easily
bomb your sorry butt into the ground from this vantage
point). Still, it's as much fun as anything the NES can
dish out in this genre, and next to Sunsoft's Super Spy
Hunter (which is more of an evolved shooter, with
genuine power-ups and really cool special effects that
make it the Gunstar Heroes of NES games), Spy Hunter for
the ColecoVision is the best conversion of the arcade
hit you're going to find anywhere. Incredible attention
to detail (you can actually break the guard rails on
bridges by ramming cars into them!), a wonderful
rendition of the Peter Gunn theme (check out that crazy
fade just before the music loops!), solid control, quick
gameplay... you just can't go wrong with Spy Hunter. It
ranks up there with Mr. Do!'s Castle and Galaxian as one
of my all-time favorite ColecoVision games, and is a
must have if you own the system, even if it's stuffed
away in your closet or baking in the hot sun awaiting a
new home as the prize item at your garage sale.
Whatever's the case, break it out and pop this puppy in.
You'll be glad you did.
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STAR TREK:
SOS |
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COLECO |
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OVERHEAD/1st PERSON
SHOOTER |
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COLECOVISION |
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Hey, it's all the fun of the first Star
Trek without the bad acting, cheesy special effects, and
William Shatner's rampant libido! What more could you
possibly ask for? But seriously, folks, this is one neat
l'il game. It's not nearly as good as the Vectrex
version of Star Trek, but that's forgivable since that
was after all a three-dimensional space battle that had
nothing to do with the Sega arcade game which inspired
the other home versions.
Anyways, I can't tell you if this
compares favorably to Sega's own translations of Star
Trek for the Atari 65XE, 130XE, 400, 800, 800XL, 2600,
and 5200 (whew! Well, actually, I can now that
I've repaired the tape of 5200 game footage I'd received
from Digital Press. Don't worry, folks... the
ColecoVision version is far superior to the 5200 and
Atari computer Star Treks, with much better music and
ship artwork, although I DID notice a round in those
games that's missing in the ColecoVision version. That's
especially strange since this game IS after all 32K,
twice the size of most carts on the system. But I
digress), but what I do know is that Coleco's own
version is a fairly diverting hybrid of Asteroids and
the millions of Star Trek-inspired strategic simulations
that were popular in the early 80's. The interface in
particular is highly reminescent of those primitive
text-based games, with a view screen in the top right
corner and the Enterprise's current condition on the
left, but thankfully, the tedious task of entering
paremeters has been replaced with real-time battles
which require quick thinking and reflexes. The
Enterprise is a bit on the sluggish side, yes, and the
effect of inertia that made Asteroids and Sinistar so
eerily realistic is sorely missed here, but hell,
anything's an improvement over having to fill out a
freakin' questionnaire every time you want to move.
As for the play mechanics themselves,
they're nothing special, and surprisingly simplistic for
a game with the Star Trek license. You scoot around,
pick off Klingons, dock with space stations (which is
anything but difficult, since your ship stops on a dime
and any direct contact with the station will allow you
to siphon its supply of shield and warp energy), and
confront the mine-laying maniac NOMAD at the end of each
sector until the Klingons get wise to you, turn on their
patented Star Trek (tm) brand cloaking devices, ram the
hell out of your ship, and saunter on home to Quo'oth
with Captain Kirk's smoking toupee as a reminder of
their victory. As is the case with far too many
ColecoVision games, your death is guaranteed in the
later rounds of Star Trek since the enemies either
triple in speed or quantity, making the game literally
impossible. Perhaps the programmers didn't have enough
memory to add a real difficulty ramp with smarter foes,
but it's still no excuse...
One thing Star Trek CAN do, however, is
paint a pretty picture. Beneath the view and status
screens is a wide window that acts as a Kirk's eye view
of the action. Engage with a Klingon warship and the
Bird of Prey looms just ahead of you. Move left or right
and your view of the ship shifts accordingly. Fire a few
shots its way and the craft nearly goes supernova in an
explosion not unlike those in Japanese cartoons (y'know,
the nuclear explosions with two long ends and a very
bright core? You'd have to see it...). Ships that blow
up real good are a very rare commodity on the
ColecoVision, so that feature in itself is almost enough
to give the game an extra point. But wait! That's not
all! Although the various sound effects range from
pleasantly weird to mildly annoying, the theme music
that begins and ends each game is worth the price of
admission for die-hard Trekkies (yes, I said Trekkies.
Bite me. >:). It's surprisingly well orchestrated for
a system with dual sound channels, and includes the
fourteen most memorable notes from the beginning and
conclusion of the theme from the Star Trek television
show. The entire tune would have raised my rating
by at least another point, but I'm more than satisfied
with what Coleco had included. After all, the designers
could have went overboard and added the insufferable
music that accompanies the Desilu and Paramount logos at
the end of each show...
Bottom line. Star Trek is head and
shoulders above other overhead space sims for the
ColecoVision (like Omega Race and Space Fury, just to
name a few), but if you're not a fan of the show, you
won't like this much either. Anyone who's even mildly
interested in the series should at least consider a
purchase, however... it's great Star Trek memorabilia,
and for those of you who'll actually play it,
you'll be happy to know that it's much more fun than
Playmates' pathetic Deep Space Nine: Crossroads of Time
for the Genesis.
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JUNGLE
HUNT |
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ATARISOFT |
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SIDE-SCROLLING
ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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To its credit, Jungle Hunt is a
reasonably close translation of the Taito sleeper
formerly known as Jungle King, with smoothly scrolling
backdrops and acceptable control, but in comparison to
Coleco's own Tarzan, it falls flat in several respects.
First, while each of the game's four rounds is a
complete departure from one another, they're all pretty
simplistic, and your intrepid explorer can only defend
himself in one of them (whereas in Tarzan, you had
freedom of movement and a mean left hook which could be
used anywhere, at any time). Next, the artwork is
inconsistant... some of the sprites (like the vines in
the first round) look a great deal like the coin-op
originals, but the backgrounds are either strangely
colored, suffer greatly from color bleed, lack detail,
or just look incredibly silly (as was the case with the
surface of the water in the second round... egad! Is
this Jungle Hunt or the Beatles' Yellow Submarine!?).
And finally, while the translation is closer to the
arcade version than the excellent 2600 version (there's
a little 20th Century Fox-inspired tune that plays
between stages and the last round is much better, with
two onscreen cannibals and a rope which dangles your
girlfriend over a hot cauldron. Cool!), its diving round
just isn't as fun, as it lacks the solid control and
neat point labels that pop up after a crocodile's been
stabbed. For these reasons, it's obvious why I can't
recommend this over Coleco's Tarzan, but if you were a
fan of the original and can find this fairly rare
release at a garage sale, it's worth the purchase.
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MR. DO!'S
CASTLE |
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PARKER
BROS. |
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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Not a day goes by that I don't question
the collective intellect of the human race for ignoring
this gem, both in the arcades and when the home versions
were released. I liked the first game, Mr. Do!, but
this... THIS is a true classic. Sure, Mr. Do!'s Castle
borrows play elements from a wide variety of other
titles, most notably Lode Runner and Donkey Kong, but it
brings them together in a way that no mere clone could,
with luscious graphics, a wonderful soundtrack, and
gameplay that stays fresh no matter how many times
you've played it. It's on this note that I'm proud to
say that the ColecoVision version carries on this
tradition, with the great tunes intact and most of the
crisp artwork retained. Yeah, the graphics aren't quite
as good as they were in the arcade version, with
monocolored unicorns and tiny sprites, but by CV
standards, they're pretty damned impressive. More
importantly, it's as fun as it was in the arcades... all
the neat tricks from the coin-op version work here as
well, and the unicorns (long story...) are similarly
relentless. If you own a ColecoVision, your collection's
just not complete without a copy of Mr. Do!'s Castle.
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SPECTRON |
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SPECTRAVIDEO |
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SHOOTER |
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COLECOVISION |
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I had no idea what to expect from
Spectron, and ordered it on my multi-cart (Sean Kelly sells these,
by the way. They're a VERY cheap way of building up a
collection, provided you're not a purist that objects to
that kind of thing) in the hopes that I'd wind up with
an addictive shooter along the lines of, say, Defender
or Super Cobra. How disappointed I was to discover that
I was only partially correct in my assumption...
Spectron is definitely a shooter, but it's no Defender
clone, and it sure as hell isn't addictive. It's
actually a pretty ho-hum cross between Imagic's Demon
Attack and Space Invaders, with a lot of annoying flaws
that make it pale in comparison to either game. For one,
what's the deal with the barriers? They blanket your
line of fire, and can only be destroyed by the enemies'
rain of missiles, making them a frustrating addition to
a game that wasn't much fun to begin with. The alien
touchdowns are similarly annoying- there's no way to rid
yourself of the spawn your enemies leave behind, and in
the later rounds, you're almost guaranteed to be
overwhelmed by them. In short, if you already own
Atarisoft's brilliant translation of Galaxian, there's
no reason to bother with this miserably uninspired Demon
Attack rip-off. Pass.
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THE YOLK'S ON
YOU |
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20TH CENTURY
FOX |
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(NOT MUCH)
ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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You're probably not going to see a
review of Yolk's in too many other sites, mainly because
1. It's an unreleased Fox Games prototype that's
available only on Sean Kelly's multi-carts (so call now
and you'll get these fabulous steak knives at no extra
charge! No, that's not right...), and 2. Nobody in their
right minds would bother with this claptrap even if it
HAD made it to store shelves. Mediocre games were always
a Fox trademark (and still are- look at what they did to
The Tick on his way to the Genesis and SNES! But, as
usual, I digress...), so you can only imagine just how
bad Yolk's, a game even THEY couldn't release, really
is. The objective is mind-numbingly simple- as a
rooster, roll eggs into a barn and around obstacles like
snakes and gopher holes, all while foxes (I see a pun
here) and buzzards try to put the bite on your Colonel
Sanders-approved drumsticks. Unattended eggs will hatch,
and the chicks that emerge will make a break for the
bottom of the screen, making your task that much harder.
And... well, that's it. You get an unlimited number of
roosters, and the game won't end until all the eggs have
been rescued or broken, so there's no incentive in
playing it more than once. The graphics and audio don't
help matters much: the barnyard artwork is well done,
but every character except the rooster is monocolored,
and the game's two (yes, two!) sound effects become
grating fast. If you're a collector, this is a fab find,
but from a player's point of view, The Yolk's On You is
as nauseating as a full-blown case of salmonella. Avoid
it at all costs.
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OIL'S
WELL |
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SIERRA
ON-LINE |
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MAZE |
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COLECOVISION |
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Perhaps the weirdest Pac-Man derivitive
available for the system, Oil's Well puts you behind the
controls of a munching drill bit which must suck up
eight rounds worth of crude oil deposits (represented
by- surprise! Suspiciously familar white pellets!).
There are bonus prizes and deadly monsters a'la Pac-Man
as well, but unlike Namco's game, the latter can be
dispatched at any time with the voracious mouth of your
drill bit... however, the hose that connects that bit to
the surface must remain intact. If a monster severs it,
the whole refinery goes up in smoke and you lose a life.
Your unseen nemesis from a rival oil refinery also
shuttles land mines through the tunnels, and if the tip
of the bit takes a bite out of one of these, you lose a
life as well. This all seems simple enough, but there's
just one problem... the hose itself works against you as
well. It blocks off paths you've already used, and the
more you move, the greater a risk you take of its being
severed, so what do you do? Retract it, of course! This
has got to be by far the coolest part of Oil's Well...
simply hold down a button and your drill bit zips back
to the top of the screen in the blink of an eye. This
makes avoiding enemies a cinch, or it would, if it
weren't for the fact that so many monsters patrol the
tunnels, and that there's a timer. You just can't sit
around waiting for an empty corridor- you've got to take
risks, and lots of them, to ensure success. It's
definately a challenge, although the imprecise control
contributes to the game's difficulty- the drill bit has
a nasty habit of overshooting one tunnel and heading
into another when two are close by, and this often
proves fatal in the later rounds. Still, if you're a
ColecoVision fan who's dying for a unique Pac-Man clone,
Oil's Well is a worthy purchase (me, I'd go for the
redone IBM version, if just for its cute Petrosaur
intermissions...).
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FROGGER |
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PARKER
BROS. |
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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The boys at Parker Bros. really knew how
to crank out the hits, didn't they? If only that were
still the case... Anyways, this is arguably the best
home version of Frogger available. It's much better than
the Intellivision and 2600 adaptations of Sega's smash
hit, and to this day outperforms lame-o shareware clones
like Kurt Dekker's Revenge of Frogger. That's not to say
that the game is a carbon copy of the coin-op... there
are a lot of missing soundtracks (which Starpath's
Official Frogger for the 2600 and Supercharger add-on
retained, surprisingly enough), and the game description
screen is gone, but as far as play mechanics go,
everything from the otters to the cars which pick up
speed as the round progresses seems intact. Plus, the
control is dead on with a Sega Arcade Pad (no knobby
hellsticks for me, thanks...), making this Frogger the
penultimate version for true fans of the coin-op.
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OMEGA
RACE |
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COLECO |
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SHOOTER |
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COLECOVISION |
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I said it once (about Coleco's lazy
coversion of Gorf... a conversion disorder would have
been less painful) and I'll say it again... arcade
translation, my ass! After having played this miserable
excuse for Omega Race I just have to wonder if the
programmers even came within twenty miles of the actual
arcade games before designing Gorf and this mess. "Well,
what did you expect, man!? 'Omega Race' was a coin-op
with vector graphics, and the ColecoVision raster scans
its artwork... you do the math!" Ah, my friend, if only
it were so simple. You see, Commodore released a version
of Omega Race for its VIC-20 computer, a machine with a
meager 5K of RAM, and somehow, their translation
mirrored the coin-op in every respect and even improved
upon it with user-definable color schemes and two
controller options. The ColecoVision version, however,
had 16K to work with but offers none of these features.
The programmers didn't even TRY to duplicate the
line-based artwork of the arcade version of Omega Race,
and MAN, does it show... the game looks like you're
blasting bacteria on a pool table! The sound effects
have lost the menace that made the original so intense,
too... they've got that Coleco brand high pitch to them
that ruins any hope of evoking a sense of urgency from
the player, and the music that plays during Droid Force
Eliminated notices is so silly it's guaranteed to make
Omega Race purists retch. And don't even bring up the
control- sixteen directions in which your ship can fire?
Thrusting inertia straight out of a feature film on
MST3K? What the hell is THAT all about!? Suffice it to
say that this is as translations go the least faithful
I've played on just about any home console... hell, I
thought Tiger did a better job capturing the feel of
Double Dragon 2 on those crappy handhelds it sells than
Coleco did with this and Gorf! Geez. Anyways, below is a
picture of the REAL Omega Race... savor it, 'cuz
ColecoVision owners will never get a chance to enjoy the
game as Midway intended...
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THE
HEIST |
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MICRO-FUN |
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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Yup, it's yet another in a long, long
line of Micro-Fun carts with kooky box art that's more
entertaining than the game itself. From the drawing on
the front of this particular title, you'd expect to
control a dashing museum thief with a thick British
accent and a cleft chin that puts the Tick's to shame,
but nooo... in an act of pure malevolence, designer Mike
Livesay pulled the old bait and switch and replaced him
with some schmo who bears a striking resemblence to Jim
Varney from those Ernest films. Whoever he is, you've
got to guide him through an art gallery filled to the
brim with ugly paintings (modern art, perhaps?). Steal
'em all within the alloted time and you ride an elevator
to a new, more menacing round with more security robots
and deadly laser walls (hell, if I owned pictures that
looked like the ones in this game, I'd pay the guy to
TAKE them instead of wasting all my money on nifty theft
deterrant gadgets. But again, I digress...). Pretty
simple as far as concepts go, but there's a little more
to The Heist than most games for the ColecoVision.
You've got to hunt down keys for doors, ride escalators
and elevators, and use the keys you've collected in the
most logical order to progress, which would be great if
it weren't for the fact that none of it is much fun for
more than five minutes. I dunno- if you're tired of
blasting the same clich'ed aliens, jumping the same
tired barrels, and munching the same bland fruits the
ColecoVision has to offer, this may appeal, but if it's
all the same to you, I'd just assume stick with the
similar but more involving Montezuma's Revenge.
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CABBAGE PATCH
KIDS |
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COLECO |
KONAMI
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ACTION |
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COLECOVISION |
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The Cabbage Patch Kids were definately
an 80's icon, perhaps more so than the mighty
ColecoVision (Say it ain't so! I wish I could...), so
it's no surprise that Coleco would combine the two for
the ultimate merchandising gimmick. I mean, think about
it! The Cabbage Patch Kids and ColecoVision go together
like oil spills and the Exxon Valdez! Like whipped cream
and hot dogs! Like Peter Gabriel and the Chinese
government! Like... Like, hand me one of those slices of
pizza, Scoob! Ry, rure Raggy! OK, I'm done trying to be
funny (and not succeeding). It actually sounds like a
stupid combination, but thanks to the efforts of
everyone's favorite Japanese game design firm of the
80's, it came together rather nicely. Imagine Hudson's
Adventure Island without the axes, bosses, or scrolling
screens (OK, imagine Pitfall! with much better graphics)
and that's Cabbage Patch Kids: Adventures in the Park.
The graphics are up to Konami's typically excellent
standards (good), and are accompanied by a fair
rendition of the children's tune Three Little Indians
(not so good. I mean, they orchestrated it well, but
when it plays over and over and over and over and over
again until your ears bleed and you climb a bell tower
with a shotgun screaming, "Die, little Indians! DIE!!!
MOO HOO HA HA HA!!!!", you know they should have
diversified the soundtrack just a teensy weensy bit more
than they did. Actually, the Three Little Indians tune
plays between rounds... the game's theme music is
more generic but almost as annoying after it loops for
the 22nd time. Sorry 'bout the confusion...). Of course,
the gameplay is tops as well... the title character is
as easy to manipulate as your parents were in 1983 when
they spent weeks hunting down one of those blasted dolls
for your whiny kid sister. So, you're no doubt asking by
now, what's the deal with the turbo edition label at the
beginning of your review? That's there for two reasons:
one, this is a review of Konami's prototype version
(don't worry... besides a name change from nothing to
Anna [Nicole Smith? Tomic?] Lee for the title character,
it's really no different from the production copy), and
two, the game really DOES have the capacity for turbo
speed. Buy a ColecoVision Super Controller and while you
play, thumb the roller dial as quickly as you can.
You'll notice that the gameplay picks up accordingly.
And oh yeah, this works on Antarctic Adventure and the
unreleased Video Hustler as well...
>:)
WISHFUL THINKING... LESS ADVANCED
I've been doing some play testing for a
ColecoVision software developer named Eduardo
Mello. So far, he's really amazed me
with excellent translations of Space Invaders and
its sequel... the games are far superior to anything
else released by hobbyist programmers. The best
part is that he's not finished yet! He's working
on a ColecoVision port of Ms. Pac-Man, with Pac-Man
thrown in for good measure, and he's giving some thought
to a conversion of the most perfect shooter ever
created. Heh... no, not Radiant Silvergun.
Actually, I'm referring to Namco's Galaga, which will be
hard enough to port to the ColecoVision as it is.
Mr. Mello will be busy for a long time
on these games... it could take years before he finishes
them both. It would be downright unreasonable to
demand even more from him, but let's say that Eduardo
was paid a steady wage to make ColecoVision games, or he
suddenly underwent mitosis, splitting into multiple
Mellos. Let's face it, one is as likely to happen
as the other. Anyway, since these new, well
compensated Eduardos are running around with all that
talent and nothing better to do, we'll put them to work
on a series of new ColecoVision arcade translations.
My first suggestion is Wizard of
Wor. This intense Midway shooter was originally
scheduled for release on the ColecoVision (and the
VIC-20, but we won't open that can of worms).
However, for some reason, Wizard of Wor never made it to
the system, forcing fans of the game to settle for the
5200 or Astrocade versions (I'm fully aware of the 2600
game... that's why I tried to avoid mentioning
it). It's anyone's guess as to why this happened,
but there's a strong possibility that Midway looked
at the butchered ColecoVision versions of Gorf and Omega
Race and tore up their licensing agreement in an attempt
to defend the good name of their products. That's
what I would have done, anyway.
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