1/31/08

Reviewers have been comparing Geometry Wars Galaxies to rich, decadent chocolate... absolutely scrumptious at first, but less and less divine with each subsequent bite.  I would take that analogy even further and compare the game to that episode of The Twilight Zone where the gambler is trapped in a cruelly ironic reality where every pull of the slot machine handle results in a jackpot.  Then he sees a gremlin on the wing of a plane, turns into Adolph Hitler, and discovers that his wife is a giant bug.  Wait, maybe that was that an episode of Futurama...

Anyway, my point is that the developers have taken a game that's meant to be enjoyed in ten minute spurts and turned it into twenty straight hours of monotony.  There are countless stages in the game, but each one has as much impact on the gameplay as the 128 variations in an Atari 2600 release from the late 1970's.  Sure, the stage layout changes a bit, and there are a few new enemies here and there, but it's still Geometry Wars, which means driving back a swarm of progressively annoying enemies until their backstabbing goodness exhausts your supply of lives. 

The introduction of geoms, medals, and a level up system for your AI droid needlessly draws out the game and burdens the player with a grim sense of obligation.  Practically everything in the game must be purchased with the floating currency gathered in each stage, you'll have to rack up a score that rivals the national debt to earn the gold medals, and it takes hours of grinding to graduate your computer-controlled partners from "pathetic" to "borderline helpful."  This all adds up to a massive time investment without an adequate payoff... or in keeping with the theme of the aforementioned Twilight Zone episode, an inexhaustible payoff that's ultimately not worth much.

1/24/08

After hours of work, I've finally cracked the (Linux) shell of the Asus EEE and snuck a few emulators past its iron defenses.  Here's the score so far...

EMULATOR

WORKS?

FRONTEND?

NOTES

Atari800

Yes

Yes!

 Needs BIOS; not sure where to put it

DGen

Yes

No

Runs quickly but window is very small

FCE Ultra

Yes

No

Runs wonderfully; optional frontend won't work

Generator

Yes

Yes!

Runs quickly, lots of options, lower compatibility

GNGeo

No

...?

XGnGeo installs, but the emulator itself is missing

GnuBoy

No

...?

Blanks screen and crashes spectacularly

GSNES9x

Yes

Optional

SNES9x port.  The frontend comes separately

Mednefen

Yes

No

Multi-system emulator.  Needs frontend badly!

PCSX

Yes

Yes!

Almost as slow as VBA, but it certainly works

Stella

Yes

Yes!

Light version of the Win emulator.  Works well

VB Advance

Yes

No

The slowest slow that ever slowed a slow

XMAME

Yes

No

Plays tons of stuff, all at a reasonable speed

XMESS

No

...?

Plays the waiting game, then just stops

XVIC

No

...?

Spins its wheels for a while before stopping

Yabause

No

...?

Autopackage installs but program vanishes

ZSNES

Yes

Yes!

Looks just like the Win version, but poor sound

There were a few emulators that I couldn't get on their feet.  Some won't be missed all that much, and others were just asking too much of the system.  If my home laptop can't run this Saturn emulator at full speed, the chances of a runt like the EEE running it at all were slim to none!  However, it's much harder to accept the loss of XMESS, as it can run software for dozens of computers and game systems.  With any luck, a little tweaking will be just the jolt of electricity it needs to bring it to life.  In the meantime, I'll have to settle for Mednafen, which emulates a handful of the more popular consoles with varying degrees of success.  NES games fill the screen and sound just like the real thing, but Turbografx titles are blurry (hey, just like on the Wii!) and spill outside the system's display.

I really can't complain, though, as I've got all the major food groups of emulation covered.  Stella and FCE Ultra let me recapture my childhood, and I can fondly look back on my teen years with Generator and GSnes9X.  Plus, there's MAME, which runs everything from Asteroids to The King of Fighters '99 with ease.  That's in sharp contrast to my last handheld computer, a MobilePro 770, which ran exactly one emulator and did it with all the speed of a comatose slug.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm a lot happier with the Asus EEE now that I've got it running games that have nothing to do with penguins.  For what it's worth, it handles the more important stuff pretty well too... pre-installed programs like OpenOffice, Pidgen, and Firefox all run as quickly as they do on my Windows machines at home, and without the aggravation of occasional crashes.  I have a funny feeling that once I get the hang of installing third party programs and learn a little more about the underlying operating system, I'll be quite satisfied with my investment.

1/19/08

I had my first taste of Linux this weekend, and let me tell you, this stuff bites back!  There's nothing this operating system can't overcomplicate, which I quickly discovered when I tried to install emulators on my new Asus EEE.  On Windows, you'd just download a file, unzip it into a folder, add the BIOS, and click the program icon to start the festivities, but nothing is ever that easy in Linux!

After switching on the EEE's hidden advanced mode, I tried to download software using a peculiar command line program called Aptitude.  Wait, this is the 21st century, right?  When that didn't work, I switched to a more user-friendly, but still unfamiliar utility called the Synaptic Response Tool.  The concept behind this one is actually pretty cool... instead of hunting down files on the Internet, it offers a vast library of them, arranged by category.  Once you find the software you need, you just click the box next to it and click install.  Then wonder where the hell the programs you installed went.

Like I said, nothing is ever that easy with Linux.  It turns out that the programs I installed vanished into a USR folder, scattered throughout a handful of subfolders.  Stella and Atari 800 went in with the rest of the binaries, while the others were unceremoniously dumped into the games folder along with The Adventures of Manboobs the Penguin, or whatever they call that racing game that was included with the system.

Oh, but I haven't even gotten to the best part!  After assigning the programs to the launch button (a task even Hercules would fear), I discovered that the lion's share of the emulators I downloaded had no front ends.  This makes playing NES games an agonizing carrot and stick experience.  They look stunning on the EEE's seven inch display, but trying to get them started is often more of a challenge than the games themselves.  What's the deal, guys?  This isn't 1996.  An emulator without a user interface is like a slingshot without a rubber band... in other words, practically useless.

Anyway, there's some new stuff on the site, including the second half of the Saturn Winter Special and some Atari 5200 game reviews.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to scream at my EEE for the next three hours.

1/14/08

People have been incredibly enthusiastic about the past year, claiming that there's never been a better time to be a fan of video games.  After thinking about it for a while, I'd have to agree.  Not since the salad days of the Saturn and Dreamcast have I enjoyed the hobby this much, and it's been that way for nearly three years.  However, the three years that came before it weren't nearly as pleasant, representing a low point for the industry.

It all started at the tail end of 2001.  Sega dropped support for the Dreamcast, and the video game industry became the exclusive domain of the Playstation 2.  Microsoft and Nintendo offered consoles of their own, but they lagged well behind the leader of the pack in market penetration, and weren't markedly different from the system they hoped to dethrone.   

Sure, the Xbox had Halo, and the GameCube rose from its mediocrity on rare occasions with exclusives like Zelda: Wind Waker.  Past these anomalies, the systems were carbon copies of the Playstation 2, offering the same software and roughly the same gaming experience.  It's no wonder the two consoles didn't sell particularly well... if you already owned a Playstation 2, purchasing a GameCube or Xbox was redundant at best and a waste of money at worst.

 

The software available for all three consoles made gaming in the first half of the decade all the more monotonous.  Sony narrowed its focus to a small group of "hardcore" gamers, with its competitors and third parties quickly following suit.  The few companies who refused to obey the status quo were pushed to the back of the bus as niche developers, and in the case of Working Designs, driven out of business.

 

The end result of this cynical market saturation could be seen on store shelves and in rental stores.  What was once a multicolored patchwork of the industry's most creative ideas quickly became an oppressive wall of Grand Theft Auto, Madden, and Unreal Tournament.  Finding something, anything, that distanced itself from the crowd was as refreshing- yet also as unlikely- as discovering an oasis in the middle of a parched desert.

 

For years, that wall held fast.  Then, as suddenly as it was built, the structure collapsed, reduced to a pile of drab grey and brown rubble.  What happened to bring this awful chapter of gaming history to an end?  Competition happened.  Innovation happened.  Disruption happened.

 

The rebellion began on shaky feet at first, with the release of the Nintendo DS in late 2004.  People weren't sure what to make of this oddball handheld, but were sure that it would be utterly crushed by Sony's more powerful PSP.  Months later, Majesco Entertainment and Double Fine took a chance of their own with Psychonauts, an old-fashioned platformer with a playful sense of humor far removed from the angry satire of Grand Theft Auto.

 

Psychonauts didn't sell well, and at first, the Nintendo DS looked like it was headed for the same fate.  However, Japanese developers liked what they saw and risked it all on the quirky unit, creating games that took full advantage of its touchscreen and other defining features.  The fruits of their labor were original titles like Trauma Center and Brain Age that left the PSP's retread offerings (sequels to the ten year old Wipeout and Twisted Metal) feeling stale by comparison.

 

Then along came the Xbox 360.  Microsoft rushed to bring the system to market, ignoring the lessons of the 3DO and Saturn.  However, the risky move that put Panasonic and Sega in a world of hurt paid off for the software manufacturer.  Microsoft had a year to build a strong foundation of games and improve the system's media playback, leaving its two competitors at a distinct disadvantage.

 

Sony expected total domination of the console market with the Playstation 3 in late 2006... only to watch in stunned surprise as the Xbox 360 held its ground and the Wii surged past them both.  The Wii took an entirely different path from its rivals, sacrificing performance for motion-sensitive controls that drew players of all ages into the action.  The Playstation 3, on the other hand, had a huge price tag and few games that justified it, along with a manufacturer who refused to acknowledge its shortcomings.

 

With Sony's stranglehold of the video game industry broken and developers awakened to new audiences, games became more diverse and enjoyable than ever.  Old school fans long denied their fix were given all the retro releases they could handle on the Xbox Live Arcade service.  The first family-friendly console in nearly a decade was opening doors that were once shut to young players and their parents.  And even the well-worn genres of games were given a boost in creativity, as Portal and Crackdown both demonstrate.

 

For the first time since the battle between the Sega Genesis and Super NES in 1992, the video game industry is split between console manufacturers.  Nintendo has this console generation all locked up with the Wii, and its DS is still selling strong in the East and West.  Microsoft holds second place with the Xbox 360, and is building brand loyalty with an excellent online service.  Finally, Sony is still making millions from its economically priced Playstation 2, and gaining ground in the handheld market with the PSP.  All three companies are fighting hard to keep their share of the market, but in a console war where every contestant is evenly matched, it's the fans that ultimately emerge victorious. 

 

It's why I'm mystified by the suggestion from God of War lead designer David Jaffe that there should be an industry standard, with every developer throwing their weight behind a single console.  We tried that before, Dave.  It was called the Playstation 2, and one look at the games available in 2003 should tell you that it didn't work.

1/09/08

Try new and improved Update-a-trin, now with 80% more brief game reviews and 30% less obnoxious bitching!*

* Side effects may include irritation, itchy scalp, explosive constipation, and a sudden loss of funds to games you only recently realized you wanted.  Results may vary.  Not scientifically proven by the FDA to prevent or cure any disease.

PORTAL (XBOX 360)

 

All right, Valve.  I bought The Orange Box.  Now will you PLEASE show me some mercy and stop with the obnoxious Internet memes?  I'm so sick of fabricated pastries that I may never not have dessert again.  Anyway, I spent thirty minutes with Portal this morning, just to discover what got everyone talking (or just mindlessly parroting lines from the game) in 2007. 

 

The first thing I'll say is that Portal is an extremely disorienting experience at first.  You'll often see mirror images of your alter ego, which can stretch out to infinity if you stick your head through the right portal.  The game toys with your already blown mind by offering advice that may not actually be of much use.  Thanks to the constant mental abuse of GlaDOS (no, not the scented candle from S.C. Johnson Wax; the creepy computer in the game), Portal seems less like a puzzle game and more like a psychological experiment, with you as an unwitting test subject.

 

Don't let the sadist with the Steven Hawking accent distract you, though... the only mind game you need to concern yourself with is finding your way to the exit in each room.  Like any good puzzler, Portal starts out simple but sets more weight on your shoulders as you progress, introducing elements like floating platforms, deadly water, and attack drones in each new room.  Did I mention that the portal generator was the only "weapon" at your disposal?  You'd better make the most of it!

 

OMEGA FIVE (XBOX 360)

 

If Portal's pacifism has got you feeling a little gun-deprived, Omega Five's got the cure.  This flashy shooter combines elements of R-Type and Forgotten Worlds for double the intensity.  The R-Type influence is especially apparent while playing as Ruby... her orbital satellite can be launched at enemies, briefly sacrificing wide-range firepower for intense damage to a single foe.  The alternate character, Tempest, uses a more defensive approach, catching bullets in a hyperspace field that renders them harmless while hosing down his adversaries with sprays of acid, napalm, or molten metal.  Oh solder, is there anything you CAN'T do?

 

The graphics in Omega Five are sensational, bearing a faint resemblance to R-Type Final but cranking up the resolution and detail to next-gen levels.  Massive worms wind themselves around the screen in an effort to crush you, and bulbous organs weave themselves together into a grotesque, pulsating mass.  The use of neon colors and shiny metallic surfaces makes the game even more fetching, and is a welcome act of rebellion against the current industry trend of drab browns and greys.  The sound doesn't carry nearly as much impact, with the piercing scream of your hero breaking up a forgettable assortment of muffled explosions and futuristic techno tracks.  Fortunately, you'll be too busy weaving through waves of bullets and blowing up massive enemies to notice.

 

Then there's the gameplay.  I never got a feel for Tempest's hyperspace field, and his liquid weapons all seem pretty toothless.  You can focus the spray of the acid gun to intensify its effect, but even at maximum strength, the chemicals just drip harmlessly from the bodies of the later bosses.  C'mon, this is acid, not Johnson's Extra Gentle Baby Shampoo!  Despite her petite size, Ruby packs a much bigger punch, with a screen-choking vulcan cannon and a satellite that brings down even the most stubborn opponents.  On top of all that, she just looks more attractive... I still haven't figured out what Tempest is supposed to be, but I sure as hell don't want to be it!

 

YAKUZA (PLAYSTATION 2)

 

You know what I hate?  That's right, a whole lot of things.  However, games that focus on a storyline at the cost of practically everything else is way on the top of my list of grievances.  With that in mind, it's not too surprising that I'd be disappointed with Yakuza, which isn't so much a video game as it is a feature-length motion picture with little bits of game sprinkled on top.  In the grand tradition of Final Fantasy VII and other self-proclaimed masterpieces, you get two minutes of cut scene and a half minute of access time for every minute you actually fight.

 

That's great if you came for the life story of hired goon turned one-man prison riot turned ex-con Kazuma.  That story is fairly compelling, with a insider's view of the Japanese mafia written by a famous crime author from the Far East.  The dark underbelly of Tokyo just seems more thrilling and exotic than the back alleys of Brooklyn, especially after six seasons of The Sopranos!  Unfortunately, the dialog hit a few snags on its way to the United States.  The writing is stilted and awkward, an earmark of hasty English localizations, and the voice actors deliver their lines with all the passion of Al Gore after an evening of Ny-Quil shooters.

 

However, those flaws are pretty minor compared to what little action the game offers.  The fighting in Yakuza is simplistic, with a whole lot of button mashing and not a lot of technique.  You do earn new attacks as you progress, but you'll have to sit through unskippable full-motion video sequences before you can get the goods.  Instead of spending all that time twiddling your thumbs, I'd recommend that you put them to work on a few rounds of Urban Reign.  Sure, the storyline in that game is completely brain dead, but if you wanted an engrossing plot, you should be watching a movie instead of playing a game pretending to be one.

1/04/08

Sure hate to start the new year with one of these, but I've just got to say it.  The ending for Crackdown not only sucks, but it leaves me with a not-so-fresh feeling that makes me want to unspend all the time I invested in it.  What the hell, Realtime Worlds?  It's not cool to make me feel like a chump after waging a day-long war against the forces of what I thought was evil.

This would hardly be the first crappy ending I've seen in a video game, but at least Karnov's conclusion on the NES was a crime of omission, rather than an outright slap in the face.  With "CONGRATULATION," you can at least fill in the blanks to your liking.  Let's see... the fat Russian circus performer is financially secure and can retire until 1993, when he's thrown back into the spotlight with a fighting game that was every bit as dumb as his debut.  Hey, works for me! 

However, Crackdown not only takes away any sense of accomplishment you may have felt after defeating the final boss, but punishes you for your efforts.  Yeah, screw you too, Voice of the Agency!  After listening to hours of your nagging and insults, delivered in an accent only Optimus Prime could love, my reward is a bullet in the brain?  I'm telling you, Realtime Worlds, if you're even thinking of making a sequel, you had damn well better rebuild the bridges you burned in the first Crackdown.  I'm not paying sixty dollars for another helping of backstabbin' goodness.